Catch up on life

I've split this blog in two, part one is about my life, and part two is about technology, so those interested in either can choose to ignore either part (or read both for John bonus points).

Well, so much for that whole idea of posting a nice update to the blog that afternoon. I spent the rest of that morning finishing off an essay and then sleeping. I think that essay killed all my desire to write things, which is my excuse why its taken me several days to blog again. That's the first essay I've done for about two years. I forgot how much they totally suck. It wasn't an easy one as well, because it was for my Media and Communications module, and that's a very essay based subject it would seem. So she expected it to be very well researched and structured. But I finally handed it in, I felt maybe my essay writing skills weren't up to scratch, but Id made some good points, so hopefully that will carry me through. I found a really interesting website while looking for sources for my essay. You should check it out, if you like psychology and analysing adverts and the media. It had some very interesting points about sexual politics and human desires. A lot of the stuff, I knew it was good, cos when I read it, it was like, I already knew it, but hadn't realised it because it was so obvious, id never questioned or examined it. I don't know, maybe I'm just dumb, but it was enlightening to me.

Our internet maybe back, but yesterday it was being rather rubbish and cutting out, and then our water went off. I had a rubbish day yesterday, cos not only did that happen, but I went to my lecture at 9am, and it was cancelled with no warning, so I was there for no reason and it was raining.

The last few days have been a bit shit. Once I hadn't the essay in on Tuesday, things went a bit down hill. Not really sure why, things just seemed to go wrong and I became quite unhappy. I'm feeling a bit better now, but I think I just got really fed up, having been locked in my room with little sleep for a few days, really took its toll on my temperament. I also started watching a lot of Monkey Dust and listening to Chris Morris's Blue Jam while I was doing my essay, and as funny as they are, they do have a rather bleak outlook. Dark humour can do that, somehow. Take something, really not funny, and make it funny, but it kind of makes me feel a bit dark inside once I think about it later. I think thinking about Christmas has made me feel a bit morbid as well, since mum was such a large part of it to me. I see things in the shops and keep thinking she'll probably be buying them, and then realising she isn't. I keep seeing boxes of mince pies and thinking about how she used to make them with us. Christmas, or winter, was always mum's time of year, because it was about food and family and being happy and festive. Its going to be quite a change, having a dark brooding Christmas. I'm looking forward to it though, I suppose its going to happen sooner or later and I'm sure we'll all make the best of it. I think she associated it heavily with her father as well, and last year was difficult for her, so I guess now its the same for me and the others. I wonder if the next generation of Grays will be the same, some day.

Speaking of the next generation, I was cheered up immeasurably by getting to hold Sian's baby Jac again today. He is so perfect, I'm so proud of Sian for being able to bring something so beautiful into the world. It must be a very scary time for her, the father of her child doesn't want anything to do with it, but she's got some great friends and her family behind her, so I think they'll be ok. It seems utterly uncomprehendable that he wouldn't want to have anything to do with Jac, he is so cute. I guess some people just don't value the same things as me. I would personally give up everything for a child, especially one so perfect as Jac. He is a blessing, and few people are so lucky to have one, it seems bizarre to me that he doesn't even want to recognise it as his. I suppose he is just worried of the consequences, but I think a child isn't the sort of thing you should run away from. You only get so few chances to do something good and meaningful with your life, does he really think he can do better? People these days seem so concerned with selfish and utterly un-fulfilling pursuits, like money and vanity. I think id rather have a child then a few million pounds, big house, sports car and a hot wife when I die. I know which would bring me more comfort.

Anyway, sorry, that was a massive ramble, and not really my life as such, it just really got on my tits. I'm also rubbish at shopping for clothes. Mum used to help me a lot, because she loved it. Now I just sort of stumble around, look at a few things, not be sure about anything, and just leave feeling useless. I can choose clothes for myself, when I see clothes I want. Its just, shopping the other way round, when I need an item of clothing, like a coat, but don't know exactly what I want or where to go. I just wonder around in circles and give up. I have this idea in my head of what I don't want, but can't find out what I do want. And I can't wait till I just stumble across it, because its getting cold and I need a coat. Jam says he'll take me to civilisation (Birmingham) soon and we'll find something.